This is it. I’m done with this “pro-ana” bullshit, this glorification of self-destruction. For me, it was a reaction against the BED I developed as a reaction of what happened to me, and the body type that was naturally mine but I was afraid to fulfill. I realize that was bs now, so I’m going to be naturally thin without worrying about it. The whole grossly glorifying (mind, while not participating in) the ED mindset/ “lifestyle,” as some deem it, was a reaction that was meant to keep me trapped in trying to make myself bigger and sick to keep myself safe: if thinness was sick, then my binge eating disease could be “just as bad” and therefore just fine to keep on with. I created a complex where the absence of binge eating meant starvation—two unhealthy extremes. It created a situation in which I would never slip into my natural physique—thin and tall—because if I did, it would mean I would be unsafe, or at least that I was naturally attractive to those people who hurt me: something about me that was good and I couldn’t change attracted abuse. I did the same thing with standing out in any way*, but this is done: BED did not solve anything. It’s not fine. It’s not just the effects on my heath, but on my lucidity, on my will for success, on how I feel about myself.
I’m the kind of person who, once she has made a decision, does not have to constantly make it day to day. This is my decision to be healthy, and to stop this BED.
I don’t understand this “pro-ana” thing in everyone’s lives, but maybe that it is a reaction against excess in the other direction—of our culture’s overabundance, and it is supposed to represent some kind of self-control—or control over the baser needs and wants of the self. I don”t know, I don’t really care what you do, as long as you live well. If you have to starve yourself or stuff yourself or create some complex about it to feel safe, then analyze your behaviors, fix it. Just go out and do what you do—for me, writing, reading, academics—and be as successful as you will be. Go live, silly girls.
*or anything that made me physically attractive: such as keeping up my skin.